TW: discussion about sexual assault
Have you ever been really in the mood for sex, but struggled with lubrication or getting physically aroused? This is an extremely common experience for people with vulvas (and really anyone) called arousal non-concordance. If you haven’t heard of this term, it’s time you learned about it and told everyone you know!
According to sex researcher Emily Nagoski, arousal non-concordance is a disconnect between the physical response to sexual experiences and pleasure/desire – basically your brain and body responses are out of sync. For people with vulvas, sexual desire and sexual arousal only overlap about 10% of the time. Emily does an incredible job at explaining exactly what you need to know about this and how it affects our sex lives. I would highly suggest not reading any further until you’ve finished this 15-minute video.
Why is this concept so important? Well, usually our bodily responses can communicate things to ourselves AND others. For example, our mouth may salivate when we are hungry, and our heart rate increases when we are nervous. However, with sexual experiences and intimacy, this is not always the case. Not “feeling wet” doesn’t mean you aren’t enjoying the sex. Your partner(s) probably don’t know this, so talk to them about this or watch the Emily Nagoski video above with them.
Most importantly, vaginal lubrication doesn’t mean you ARE enjoying or wanting sex. We can’t have this conversation without addressing sexual assault. In many cases, the survivor’s body responses during the assault are used as justification that consent was given. But our bodily responses to sexual experiences are often disconnected from our mental/emotional response. Being wet is NOT consent. Having an orgasm is not consent. Consent is actively agreeing to engage in sexual experiences. It is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. It is not something that can be implied by body language or previous experiences. It cannot be given when intoxicated or under the consenting age in your jurisdiction.
Remember our bodies and genitals CANNOT give consent. WE DO.
Please note: As someone approaching sexual wellness from an inclusive and shame-free lens, I may adapt some of the wording or add some of my thoughts to the common sexual wellness concepts, models, and research.
Photo by Filipp Romanovski on Unsplash